The brutal rape of a 23 year old woman in 2012 now known as the Nirbhaya case galvanized the citizens of the country into protests against such a violent crimes against women. The rape of a woman by a cab driver, molestation of a group of women on New Year’s day, child rape by bus drivers, rape of a woman by the top boss or an organization, etc. are some of the many examples of sexual violence that have been reported since then. However the highest incidence of Sexual Violence or harassment takes place within the walls of an intimate relationship and is known as intimate partner violence (IPV). Vidya Bhat, Lay Counsellor at happyrelationships.inexplores this unhealthy aspect of a sexual relationship.
Statistics indicate that the number of Sexual violence incidents committed on women have always been high, but never reported for fear of social stigma and retribution. However, after the Nirbhaya case, the media reported sexual rapes, assaults and harassment cases on a regular basis to highlight the magnitude of such instances. Women too are braving the odds and filing complaints with the appropriate authorities.
This shows a changing trend that is encouraging for all women. New stricter laws against the sexual harassment of women are aiding this process. However, there is still a lingering stigma attached to filing a complaint. There is a fear of being blamed by society, fear of the family name being maligned, being targeted as a loose womanetc that make a woman hesitate at the first step of justice.
Historically, sexual harassment, assault and violence is common in households in India. A husband – wife relationship sees this violence most often. A husband forcing his wife into intercourse without her consent, to do sexual acts that she does not want to or is not comfortable with including oral or anal sex are common forms of such violence.
What influences such behaviour and what are the characteristics of such behaviour? What influences men to be aggressive and resort to sexual harassment on the one hand and on the other, what influences women to accept such behaviour and remain silent? Is our society’s structureproviding approval to such behaviour and encouraging it? Is it the psycho social influence on personality that lead to verbal, physical and sexual coercion? Let us address these questions and talk about some preventive interventions
One of the most common root cause for men’s aggression today is the gender imbalance in the country. The sex ratio of male to female in the country stands at 944 women for every 1000 males. This means that in today’s environment, men have to struggle harder to get female partners. There is tougher competition among men to attract females.
Porn has affected the way men understand sexual behaviour and the act when it comes to courting. What is seen on porn is considered normal, where as it is not.
Aggressive behaviours are projected through jealousy, possessiveness, permission seeking demands which become controlling in nature. Anger and violence are manifested when such behaviours are rebelled against by women leading to harassment, abuse and violence.
At work, sexual harassment manifests as power play. It is about a man’s and women’s perceived role in society. Men today feel threatened by a woman’s drive for independence and equality, which is a threat to their traditional role as provider and protector. This power play reflects their insecurities and resentment through their need to control if they see the woman as competitors. Thus the need to humiliate and embarrass the woman becomes their agenda.Another form of sexual harassment at work is exploiting women through sexual submission to influence their promotions and growth in the organization.
The societal boundaries of marriage which one is strictly bound to when it comes to exploring sex among man and woman is now losing its sanctity. With working and financially independent men and women, marriages and relationships are becoming more promiscuous, making casual relationships and friends with benefits a norm. Society still frowns on such relationships and hence being discreet is the name of the game. A number of studies have shown that young adult males are more interested in partner variety, less interested in committed long term relationships and more willing to engage in impersonal sex than are young adult females.(Clark and Hatfield; 1989;Symons). Thus men, who are not able to find partners are therefore more likely to resort to high risk sexual behaviors.
Preferences and expectations of a woman when it comes to choosing a male partner has added more pressure as women look for an educated, qualified man who is established financially, works in an established corporate, is upwardly mobile, ambitious, well-travelled, respects women, sexually adept and has a high eq. These are very high expectations indeed which make the men of the house insecure. Men have to show their superiority over other men to lure and keep engaged their partners leading to more aggression.
A relationship to be healthy, needs certain sexual boundaries just like one has personal and emotional boundaries.So, where do you draw the line? What is acceptable sexual behaviour and what is not? Let us examine some of them here to help people understand why boundaries are important.When it comes to societal guidance, it has always mandated sex after marriage. However, for young people who are dating, have a live-in relationship or getting married the question of “To do or not to do it” before marriage is a difficult question to answer.
This is where communication between you and your partner is important. One needs to sit down to have a discussion to understand each other’s view on sex and set sexual boundaries and stay within them to have a healthy relationship.
Consent is the first point to agree on. One partner may like public displays of affection, while the other may not feel comfortable about it. The questions to ask each other is whether both are comfortable with holding hands, kisses, hugs as a way of showing affection, about getting intimate, what is comfortable and what is not. A No is a No. And respect the wishes of the other. It is important to talk about what is acceptable and what is not. Keep an open mind and don’tjudge your partner if there are differences of opinion and interest. Even when one is in the middle of a sexual act and suddenly chooses to change their mind, stop.
Speak up and let the other person know when they are crossing sexual boundaries gently. If your partner is not able to stick to the boundaries, share reminders. If there is a breach of boundary, it often impacts trust in the relationship. If a person continually breaks the boundaries, it shows a lack of respect. Make up your mind to address it with a firm decision and do it.
After all, all of us are looking for committed, long term relationships with a deep bond and trust with our partners.
(This article was published in the recent issue of Karnataka Today Magazine)
